dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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