Can i not drive my cunt home
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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