i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
