I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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