I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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