i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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