Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
