I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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