my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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