i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
