Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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