I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
