M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I want her autograph on my taint
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
