She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
