My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
