she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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