I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I supernannyed him into submission
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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