Your mouth is God's brothel.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize