I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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