There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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