I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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