I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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