Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
