i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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