Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize