just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
