I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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