Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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