Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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