Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
