Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
