Cold hands, warm shart.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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