I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So many bounce houses so little time
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
