I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize