I feel great
I just peed on a car
it was like eating out sand paper
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
