1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
God I need to hump something, right now.
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