im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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