I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
