you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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