dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
