I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
