i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
