M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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