she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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