So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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