I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
