Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The air taste purple.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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