Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
