just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
