Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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