I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
