don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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