i just wanna soil my oats bro
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize