corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
