Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
