Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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