About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
