I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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