I'm eating all of the evidence.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
