Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
