I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
