you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
