a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
