Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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