i can't believe i had my finger in that
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
